Going to church without ever TRULY seeking God and the transformation only He can shape in us and others around us is the most monumental waste of time and resources the world has ever seen.

Matt Chandler compared us to the man who continuously reads the medicine bottle but refuses to take the pill that would save him.

Is that what we are?

Sometimes I wonder.

I remember one bible study awhile ago, when I just completely lost it, asking, “What are we doing? Why aren’t we inflamed with the deep yearning to see lost souls saved?”

Why don’t we care? And if we don’t care, what are we doing?

“How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?” – Lifehouse “Everything”


Lyrics I’m Loving

“My mama mapped out the road that she knows, which hands you shake and which hands you hold…

…girl don’t you lose your heart yet, but his dark eyes dared me with danger. And sparks fly like flame to a vapor. Fire in his touch burning me up, but still I held on. ‘Cus I was already gone…

Life is a runaway train you can’t wait to jump on.”

Sugarland “Already Gone”

“I’ve got an aching in my heart and arson on my mind. I’m gonna burn your playhouse down.”

~The Proclaimers “Burn Your Playhouse Down”

“Look at me
I’m as helpless as a kitten up a tree
Ah, I’m walkin’ on a cloud
I can’t understand, Lord
I’m misty holdin’ your hand

Walk my way
And a thousand violins began to play
Or it might be the sound of your “hello”
That music I hear, Lord
I’m misty the moment you’re near

You can say that you’re leadin’ me on
But it’s just what I want you to do
Don’t ya notice how hopelessly I’m lost
That’s why I’m followin’ you

Ooooh, on my own
Should I wander through this wonderland alone, now
Never knowin’ my right foot from my left
My hat from my glove, Lord
I’m misty, and too much in love…”

~Ray Stevens “Misty”

“In the evening, you can catch me day-dreaming. Did that moment send you reeling just like me? … But it’s the never knowing that keeps this going and drives me crazy.”

~The Band Perry “Postcard From Paris”

Lyrics I’m Loving

“I was a flight risk with a fear of fallin’… a careless man’s careful daughter.”

Taylor Swift – “Mine”

“Dear God won’t you please send someone here who will love me for me? Who will love me for me – not for what I have done or what I will become. Who will love me for me? ‘Cus nobody has shown me what love – what love really means.”

JJ Heller – “What Love Really Means”

“Safety pin me to your chest, so I can stay close. Please don’t leave me in this mess, because I am this close to unravelling. Unravelling. Don’t give up on me now. This can all be mended. We can iron this out. It can all be mended. I’m tearing at the seams. It can all be mended. It can all be mended now.”

The Autumn Film – “Mended”

“All I can taste is this moment… sooner or later, it’s over… and you can’t fight the tears that ain’t comin’… And I don’t want the world to see me, ‘cus I don’t think that they’d understand…”

Goo Goo Dolls – “Iris”

“If you were a boat, my darlin’, a boat, my darlin’, I’d be the wind at your back. If you were afraid my darlin’, afraid my darlin’, I’d be the courage you lack.”

JJ Heller – “The Boat Song”

“Felt like a pearl when I was holdin’ your hand.”

The Band Perry – “Lasso”

“Scenes of you come rushing through; you are breaking me down. So break me into pieces that will grow in the ground. I know that I deserve to die for the murder in my heart, so be gentle with me, Jesus, as you tear me apart… I begin to see reality for the first time in my life. I know that I’m a shadow, but I’m dancing in Your light. Teach me to be humble. Call me from the grave. Show me how to walk with You upon the waves and breathe into my spirit. Breathe into my veins until only love remains.”

JJ Heller – “Only Love Remains”

“If I die young, bury me in satin. Lay me down on a bed of roses. Sink me in the river at dawn. Send me away with the words of a love song.”

The Band Perry – “If I Die Young”

The Ten Minute Thing Again


I’m incapable of putting together a decent post nowadays, so we return to my favorite fallback plan: the ten minute post. I’m going to write for ten minutes and give you whatever comes of it.

There is a gnat flying around my face right now, trying to land on one of my eyeballs.

I’m currently listening to Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along-blog “My Eyes” on my bed with a nice black cherry candle burning and the windows open to the dark night.

I got to Season 4 of The Guild finally, but I’m finding that Wil Wheaton has ruined the show. I liked it better before he came along.

For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been trying to put together a playlist of songs that go along with my manuscript, which is really fun and challenging. 🙂 Ba-da-ba-BA-ba I’m lovin’ it.

Uh-oh. It’s only been three minutes of writing, and I’m out of things to write about.


On Thursday night, I’m going on a night hike with a couple of friends, which is one of the awesome things of the week that I’m really looking forward to. Last week, Friend Shasta and I went with just the two of us. I got to wear my jeggings and headlamp, and we saw a crazy centipede-like creature and two skunks.

I finished reading a book about writing this morning. I think when I finish this post, I’ll probably start re-reading Stephen King’s On Writing because I haven’t read it since I got all serious about authoring and whatnot. Also, it’s pretty much the best book about writing that I’ve ever read. 🙂

I met Neighbor Joe today, which was fantastic. We’ve lived next to him for more than a year now, so it was cool to meet him officially. Usually, we just say hi to each other in the mornings on my way out to work. He’s pretty much the best neighbor ever – although Virginia is pretty cool too. When I was little, I lived in Flagstaff, and our neighbor was this wonderful cat lady named Barbara. She had lots of cats, and let me and my sister come over for tea like we were all growed up. Pretty much any day we were bored, we’d wander over to her yard and hang out with her. 🙂

School is ending soon, which I’m pretty jazzed about. I’m thinking about taking a class over the summer. Possibly Biology because I should have taken it about a decade ago. I don’t know that I want to pay for it, but that’s probably the only way I’ll take it seriously.

The moment after I sent off my most recent revisions on my manuscript, I figured out the one thing that would have made those chapters exponentially more engaging.

I need to exercise more. Warrior Dash is this Sunday. Lori and I are running it, which I’m really looking forward to. We’re supposed to get a cool warrior helmet! Cool, huh? It only I’d trained.

One minute left to go.

I started reading Speak last night, and it’s taking me longer to get into it than I’d like. I’m not great at reading novels written entirely like journals. I like dialogue. And I like to know more about the setting than people who journal are apt to write about.

Speaking of journals, I’m almost finished with one! This is mostly exciting because the next one I’m going to write in is a Beetles Yellow Submarine thing. Everyone probably needs to come over and watch the animated Yellow Submarine film with me. PLEASE.

Time’s up.


Seeking Him in Rest for Awhile

It’s Saturday before church, and I’m sitting in Starbucks feeling pretty exhausted, but content.

Last night, I went to Phoenix with some friends. We went to a concert that was positively amazing. It was for a Christian band called Page CXVI that does hymns in a unique, spectacular way. They also write their own original songs under a different band name (but with the same members – The Autumn Film), and they did this crazy awesome song that SO connected with me.

And I nearly had a cry-fest with poor Pastor Mike after hearing it (Don’t tell him, it’s a secret… I’m a pretty good faker and there’s a decent chance I hid my inner turmoil). Because I felt an awful lot like just sinking down to the bottom of the sea.

I promise I’m not suicidal.

It’s ennui.

Okay, it’s worse than ennui. And it’s not related to boredom so much as… ?

Who knows?

Sometimes, I just want to exist.

Poor Mike was driving me from the concert to meet up with our friends, and I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t be fun. All I really could do was just be there. But I didn’t have a cry fest, and Mike was awesome and just let me be. He replayed the song for me while we drove, and I had this nice time thinking about how someone else in the world has felt the melancholy things I’ve been feeling, and was able to put them into gorgeous, touching art.

After the hanging out, several of us went to the Johnson’s house and slept there. And it was amazing as always… even if there wasn’t much time to be had with my second family.

There’s something magical about being at home.

I know it’s not my home, but it is. I slept really well for the few short hours we had before getting up. I went for a run. I sat on the bench on the Johnson’s back porch smelling all bad from the run, and it was amazing. I didn’t even wake roommate Amy up when I was supposed to because I was in an “I’m just existing” bubble that was too brilliant and oh-so fragile… and only one or two people in the whole world are allowed into that bubble.

But I had a lunch to get to, and quite the distance to drive, so I got Amy up and bursted the bubble.

And here we are.

I’m exhausted, and could probably sleep for a long bit.

But it’s a good weekend.

And oddly enough, I’m looking forward to my little Crossing church ending. Tomorrow is our last service, and I’m bitterly sweet about it. I actually feel like it’ll be a load off… as much as I’ve loved every moment of the past 6 years.


It’s barely the a.m. now on Monday morning, and I thought I’d add one last little bit about the weekend.

The crossing ended.

And I was reminded of the things I’ve learned in the last six years.

And the thing I always come back to is how the Crossing has taught me what unmerited grace is. Just last week, I was praying to God, and I said something like, “I can’t fight anymore, Abba.”

And it hit me in this ridiculous fashion that the prayer wasn’t supposed to stop there. “Fight for me,” is the second half that I was missing. I’ve been trying so hard to be everything to everyone that I haven’t let God do the work. And while Paul may say that he tries to be all things to all people so that by all means he might save some… the most difficult part of believing for me is in not trying to earn it. It’s letting God do to the fighting for me. 🙂

So if anyone asks me to get coffee this month, and I say no, I hope they won’t take it personally… I love all of my coffee dates. 🙂 

But I’m going to do a weird thing, and let God work without me being a part of it.

I feel like most of the sermons I’ve listened to in my life have been about how we should all get up and serve more, but I’m going to suggest that maybe the problem isn’t that all of us should serve more, but that all of us should be more committed to God. Because we can serve in a completely Godless way.

And seeking God in rest is valid.