Life Without an Umbrella

* Note to Dave: You may not want to read this one. 😉

I don’t know what the hell is going on in my life. The floodgate of men has been open/the Kraken was released, and the men just keep on coming.

So… there was one guy who I was pretty seriously considering, but then the visit led me to believe that he’s got some growing in independence before he’ll be ready for a lady like me. Also, the umbrella thing was funny, and I now intend to use it as a life metaphor.

Me: I shouldn’t have done my hair. It looks like it’s going to rain.

Boy: Are you going to bring an umbrella?

Me: I don’t own an umbrella.

Boy: Do you want me to get mine out of my car.

Me: If you want to…

Boy: …

So, the not having an umbrella is partly that I like getting rained on sometimes and partly that umbrellas seem impractical to me in monsoons. The water comes sideways, which makes the umbrella useless.

The umbrella thing happened, I told the boy we weren’t destined for love, and he went home.


Then, I went to Starbucks and all Hell broke loose.

I think there must be an astrological shift that sending men my way because I swear nothing like this happened to me prior to this summer.

I get my table and my drink. I face myself away from everyone and towards the window and the storm outside.

Man approaches and asks me to watch his drum while he goes to the bathroom.

He comes back, takes his drum and sits down. I read.

I stand up to see if SBucks has any free songs I can download, and man asks me what I’m reading.

“Basic Christianity by John Stott.”

“Are you new to Christianity?” he asks.

“No. Just trying to return to the basics.”

“I’m Christopher.”


We talk for a bit.

He comes over to my table.

He proceeds to touch my hands.

Then my knee.

Then my hair.

Now, okay. I should be more prepared after Scott got all handsy to yell STRANGER DANGER! and get out of there, but I cannot explain to you the sense of panic that occurs when a man I don’t know enters my dance space (Think Patrick Swayze). I cannot think. I want him to go away, but it doesn’t seem in my realm of control/power to get him to go away.

Then, he’s evidently feeling that my not yelling at him for touching me means that I want him, so he says, “I’m going to kiss you.” He puts his hand on my neck and my gut reaction kicks in and I’m like, “NO!” and I hit his hand away.

He doesn’t take it that well. He doesn’t understand why I don’t trust him. He thinks we should go dancing.


“Why not? You need to learn to let your shields down.”

Red Alert!!!! Shields up!

“Because I don’t know you.”

“What would we have to do for you to feel like you know me?”

“I’d have to see you in multiple contexts.”

“Like what?”

“Like interacting with people other than me.”

“Like who?”

“Your friends… My friends… anyone but me.”

“Ok. When can I hang out with your friends?”

“Monday night two weeks from today.”

“Why so far into the future?”

“I’m going out of town.” And I hope you will get distracted and forget to show up.

Then I gave him the address of some of my friends. – Yeah I should’ve given him a false address. But who knew I actually needed an umbrella because there are men falling from the sky? I haven’t even lost any weight or beautified myself recently. I just bought the biggest pair of jeans I’ve worn in like 5 years.

What the Hell?


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