All of the dating has been interesting.
The majority of the men I’ve dated recently have been out with have been terrible matches for me, and yet, they want to know why I’m breaking up with them. The basic answer: we aren’t a good match.
Because your human nature and mine cannot reach consensus.
It’s human nature for people to see themselves differently than they are.
Recently, Ashly described me as reliable and the opposite of fake. I don’t know why this came as a surprise to me, but it did. I try pretty hard to be certain things, but those two descriptors are ingrained in me. I don’t work for them. I just am them. I often, in fact, fight against them. I try to be less worried about time and when I’m supposed to be where and more concerned with tact.
I’m sure I’d be equally as surprised if she were to list a couple of my deficiencies – the same way the guys think they are one thing, but I see them as something very different from what they see in themselves.
It’s also human nature to project what we want a person to be onto him or her.
“I’m REALLY serious about God.”
“I’m adventurous and want to travel the world.”
“I like to have quite a bit of alone time.”
A guy may hear me say all of the things above, but believe he sees an ounce of baby-making-machine or small-town-living in me, so he convinces himself that the ounce is more like ten gallons. Telling him I don’t know if I’m going to want kids doesn’t change the fact that he can picture me rocking our baby to sleep.
Similarly, I wanted that boy I loved to be in need of just one more opportunity. I wanted him to be the divinely-ordained love of my life, but he didn’t want to be that. He chose something different and no amount of me picturing us traveling the world together makes it so. I projected that onto him without his permission.
It’s human nature to believe that the kind of person we want will also want us.
Sometimes, a guy will see himself realistically and will see me realistically. He’ll listen well and believe what I tell him… and yet, independent doesn’t want dependent and well-read doesn’t want punctuation errors.
Of course this isn’t always true, because I’m reliable who wanted unreliable (or at least was willing to overlook unreliable for the rest of the man), but generally-speaking, attributes don’t want glaring and opposite weaknesses.
If I want a man who’s honest, I probably ought to be honest. If I want a man who puts God first in his life, I probably ought to put God first.
For four years of my teaching career, I had two adorable English Language Learners in my classes. LingBin was gorgeous, Chinese, hard-working, kind, cute, intelligent, thin, thoughtful, shy, etc… Kenny was short, Philippine, lazy, awkward, round, slow… and in love with LingBin. Her birthday was on Valentine’s Day, so he brought her an enormous cake and gave it to her in front of 30 of their peers. She let him put the cake in her hands, then ran out of the room completely embarrassed. He made a big theatrical deal of asking her to prom in front of everyone, and she very politely told him “no.” When Kenny asked me why she kept rejecting him, I tried to explain that, in her eyes, he was an okay guy… but he wasn’t what she wanted or needed. She was taking AP classes in her second language; he took five years to graduate. She was polite and socially aware; he often mumbled mean things under his breath. It wasn’t that she didn’t like him… she just didn’t like him for herself, because he didn’t take the time to become what a girl like her wants.
It’s human nature to look for a savior in the wrong place.
I hate dating a little bit for this one in particular.
I used to think looking for a Savior in your spouse was primarily a girl struggle. However, I’m discovering that there are an awful lot of dudes out there who don’t like their lives. And they see a girl and her life, and think, “That would be great.”
The problem is that just being with someone who is content and fulfilled doesn’t automatically transfer those feelings. In fact, finding a good guy or girl to marry doesn’t even always abolish the loneliness. There’s a God-shaped void that can’t be filled with a person or dinner and a movie. Filling that void requires constantly seeking THE Savior… nothing and no one else will do.
Also, even people who consistently seek God aren’t always contented in Him. They have suck-times that are difficult, as does everyone, so looking for a person to save us from our lives is bound to fail.
I don’t know how to let people have expectations of me to begin with. Even if the expectations are fair.
So… I don’t know. Dating seems bound to suck. It seems impossible and silly. It seems like divine intervention is the only way this is ever going to happen for me.