The Abyss of Library Checkouts


Context: A year or so ago, I thought it would be a good idea to take full advantage of the free entertainment at the library… therefore, I began reading the list of all DVDs at all Tucson public libraries, making a list of the ones that seemed watchable. I’m to the ones that begin with ‘C’ in the “DVDs to Watch List” but I’m still in ‘A’ for the ones I’m actually watching.

Note: I am excluding the tangential conversation that was simultaneously going on… it’s pretty entertaining too, though, because it involves Lori taking over online dating for me.

Text conversation between Lori #1 and me (errors not corrected)

6:15 pm

Katie – Have you ever watched a movie called Abyss?

Lori – Nope never heard of it.

Katie – It’s a ’93 James Cameron fim that starts with a submarine hitting a glacier… Reminds me of another james cameron movie.

Lori – hmmm is this for comicon?

Katie – No. It would probably work, but i thought it noteworthy that i’ve only intentionally watched two cameron movies and both involve vessels hitting glaciers

Lori – Did he do titanic?

Katie – Yeah

6:24

Katie – It? too bad cameron didn’t also do armageddon becuase the government just asked oil drillers, led by ed harris, to save the day

Lori – Hahaha… (several comments about running and online dating that I’m not going to include here because it’s irrelevant to this post)

8:33

Katie – Ok. I will log on tonight. After thr movie ends. Ed harris and mary elizabeth mastrantonio are currently in a submersible, fighting a navy seal in a bigger submersible, trying to save non-terrestrial intelligent beings from a nuclea warhead while their underwater oil ig is losing oxygen and power because of an accident that occurred due to a hurricane overhead

(More dating talk)

Katie – Also, they’re in love.

8:39

Katie – Whoa. She died. I think maybe the underwater aiens will save her. If not, this is the worst ending to a movie ever… Way worse than when jack drowned because rose didn’t make room for him on he wood

Katie – Also, it’s 171 minutes long… And i? Only 2 hours in. What the hell is wrong with james cameron.

Lori – Hahahaha! That’s freakin long!!!

Katie – He told her not to die… So now she’s alive again

Katie – Now ed harris is submersed in magical pink fluid that will allow him to breath oxygen out of water as if he’s a fish. He’s going to go and disarm the nuclear warhead

9:09

Katie – How did they get ed harris to do this movie? He has now arrived at an alien underwater city. The alien is holding his hand and pulling him into the city that is made up of psychedelic light patterns

Lori – I can’t believe You’re still watching it

Katie – Kendra has joined me

Katie – Now the aliens made a pocket of air fr him to stand in and they are projecting the news from topside onto a wall of water for him to watch

Katie – The aliens have evidently caused a huge tsunami because they are opposed to humanity’s nuclear and other violent choinces

Katie – Now, the aliens have frozen the tsunami mid-wave and they’re returning the waters to the ocean

Katie – They are now communicating their approval of ed harris’s love for his lady. The hurricane has ended abruptly, the sun has come out, the people n the rig have regained contact with topside.

Katie – Ed harris is ok and teling the military to stp fighting so the aliens won’t have to send another tsunami. The alien city is now rising up through the water and revealing itself to the military water crafts. I know you’re tired of these texts, but this movie is blowing my mind

9:27

Katie – And they make out in the sunset while standing atop the alien city

Lori – I’m glad you’re giving me the play by play so I don’t ever have to watch it

——————————-

And that, folks, is a great reason not to watch movies that no one has every heard of. Another goodie to avoid: Enduring Love… Just say no.

 

 

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