I’ve felt off lately.
Not in a new or disturbing sense, but in a way that makes me believe I’ve been off for quite a long time and just haven’t realized it, or possibly just haven’t fixed it.
I’ve had super-terrible allergies for the past few months, and while I’m slightly ashamed to admit it, I laid on the couch for two days doing nothing, because I was suffering – Not in the real, I have an incurable disease way, but more in the 1st world troubles way. I brought a trash can and a roll of TP into the living room and blew the heck out of my nose, and felt very sorry for myself with every blow. It took me at least two hours of mental preparation every time I had to leave the house (to water some friends’ plants while they’re out of town). Also, I had to go to Walmart to make a couple of keys for the new roommate. That’s right, Walmart got a key-making machine that talks to you.
Other than those two things, I didn’t leave the house. I was convinced that I was actually sick (rather than just wimpy) with some sort of infectious disease, so I gave myself two days to rest before going to the Minute-Clinic and getting FOUR prescriptions and TWO over-the-counter-drug-recommendations to deal with my allergies. I’m now the happy owner of two nasal spray things, an inhaler, and some pills.
And you know what I realized while I was lounging around, feeling sorry for myself, and saving the universe from the Collectors?
I realized that I should lay around more often.
Way back in the day (four years ago or so) I used to fall asleep on the couch on a daily basis. I’d turn on a movie or TV show, then conk right out.
And I didn’t regret it one bit.
I also went for a walk every day.
I also did lots of work-out videos and didn’t run all that much.
And I didn’t feel guilty about those life-style choices. At all.
Then, I got some sort of idea that I was wasting time when I wasn’t busy. That I was going to get terribly fat if I didn’t run 10 miles a week. That my brain would rot if I played video games for more than a couple of hours a week. That I was a bad person if I stayed home when I didn’t have a good reason to. That God was disappointed in me when I wasn’t in Bible Study two or three nights a week.
Growing up does that to a girl.
I used to only put on real clothes if I knew I was going to see friends or colleagues. The rest of the time, I wore what was comfortable.
Nowadays, I’m always wearing shoes. Even to watch TV. Who needs shoes to watch TV?
So… challenge: I am much better at being my lounge-about self when no one is around, because having others around makes me feel fat and lazy. With Kendra moving in next month, I think it’s important that I do what I want to do.
My goal with the first roommates was to change. And I think I did – perhaps not in the ways I should have, and certainly not in the ways they wanted me to change, but I felt like it was an important step for me to grow up and live with other people.
Then, with Shasta, my goal was to survive and get life re-railed (because it felt very de-railed).
Now, I’ve got my own little house that I love, and my goal has been to settle in, which I’ve done very well.
Next goal: When Kendra moves in, I’d like to stay settled in. I want to be predictable, reliable, ordinary, relaxed, etc… and I want to change for Kendra when appropriate, but I think it’s a mistake going into anything with a plan to change, because God changes us when and how He wants to, and no amount of being busy and restless will help that.