I occasionally believe there’s something a little off about me… in a bad way.
I’m sure that’s a relatively common thought for a lot of people, but I sort of think I think it more than other people think it, which then makes me think it more, and I become rigidly convinced that I’m a weirdo.
Being a weirdo isn’t all that bad, I don’t think. It’s not that I’m afraid to be a weirdo… I think I worry more that I’m a weirdo, but don’t quite realize it, which makes me pitiable, right? I’d much rather be that fun weirdo who is making a conscious choice to be weird, than the one who isn’t choosing it, and doesn’t quite get why people look at him like he’s a weirdo.
Most of my life, my strategy has been something like, “Screw you for thinking I’m weird… I’ll do what I want!”
That way, when people settle in to their suspicions that I’m weird, I’ve got my shields up and win regardless of how they treat me.
The thing is, I have friends who I like.
I know that’s pretty normal for most people, but I think I’ve mostly had friends of convenience who I liked alright, but never liked in the i’d-like-to-keep-you-around-forever-if-possible sort of way.
Having friends I like does this weird thing because it prohibits me from the “Screw you! I’ll do what I want!” mentality. It forces me to wonder if and when I’ll be too weird for them.
I don’t want to be too weird for them.
I was trying to figure out where all of this introspection was coming from so I could banish it from my life, and I think I’ve decided that it’s coming from all of the positive changes that are looming on the horizon for me.
I’m really excited about my upcoming move, Bio class, relay race, WIP, church stuff etc…
I’m giggly excited.
I’m Christmas Eve excited!
I think a lot of it has to do with just being myself rather than worrying about how other people perceive my every move…
Example: not that long ago, I was leading a bible study, which dumped loads of pressure on my quiet times, coffee meetings, and book choices. NOWWWW… I’m not as worried about what people expect of me, so I can say what I want to (or nothing at all) at bible study.
That’s just one example out of about ten ways pressure is about to be removed from my life… and already has just a scoash.
So now, it’s like I’m the real me.
I get to respond with just a filter or two between my brain and my mouth/behavior… instead of ten.
I can be ridiculous… without worrying that the new person at church is going to judge me.
Because the new people are totally too busy judging the leaders!
But… even though I’m feeling pretty carefree, I’m also feeling like, “Whoa… was that thing I just did weird?”
I know exactly how people judge their leaders, but I don’t at all get how anyone judges their friends… I assume the point is that we don’t judge each other, but somehow, I’m not sure I believe we ever stop judging anyone.
Which makes me afraid that my friends were just friends with me because I was well-read, church-Katie who knows what to say and has a Matt Chandler quote ready for every moment.
What if they also get to see the Katie who jumps off balconies for fun (and to impress boys), is hella-good at Texas Hold ’em, and likes to play on playgrounds at midnight? What if that’s not what they thought I was and they’re disappointed?
What if they think I’m a weirdo?
This fear manifests itself in an unfortunate way… or at least one that’s unfortunate for poor Shasta.
I keep asking her if I’m weird.
She keeps telling me that I’m not, but I’ve evidently become high-maintenance and need reassurance for at least three interactions I have at social events.
“Shasta, was it weird when I was complimenting Matt’s worship-leading-ness?”
“Did so-and-so think I was weird when I texted him this one thing?”
“I’m not crazy, am I?”
Poor Shasta 🙂