Head’s up: I’m going to try to write a really honest post right now.
Let’s start with this – I rarely get depressed. I’m pretty sure the last time I was depressed was four years ago. Also, depression for me is like boredom, exhaustion, and laziness in other people. I don’t cry. I don’t consider killing myself… I read a lot of books, play a lot of video games, and watch a lot of tv shows. I also don’t think about food at all, so there are equal probabilities that I will gain weight and that I will lose weight.
In the past several weeks, I’ve read something like twice as many books as I normally read. Also, my choice of reading material has gone from the relatively literary to Young Adult and little else. I’ve also played Assassin’s Creed 2 and Brotherhood. I’ve watched a season and a half of the tv show Chuck, and I definitely ate pizza twice a day for an entire week.
Another thing about my brand of depression is that it has nothing to do with emotion and everything to do with my answer to the question Why?.
When I’m depressed, I convince myself that everything is futile.
I don’t even feel sad about it. I just become certain that it doesn’t matter what I do.
It usually starts with relationships. I start to feel like all relationships eventually end, people all eventually get pissed and abandon you, so why try?…
That’s just what I think.
Then, I usually start to think prayer is futile. I don’t care much about what happens to me in this life, since I’m going to die eventually anyways, so I’m like… eh – what’s there to pray for. Stuff is gonna happen. God is going to do His thing. Satan is gonna do his thing. I’ve got to love God, and die, and who cares how I get to that point… therefore, I see no reason to pray for my day. I see more of a reason to pray for other people than I see for myself, because most other people care what happens to them, so the only time I pray when I’m depressed is when others ask me to, and it’s quick and heartless. It’s not that I don’t think God wants to hear from me… it’s just that I don’t see how anything I’d say to Him matters. So… my prayers get really short and disengaged.
There are probably a lot of things contributing to my current depression, but most of it relates to the impermanence of everything.
Annabelle died, which makes me feel like things are futile.
My church ended, which makes me feel like things are futile.
I still have my job, but I’m watching the public education system fall apart in front of me, and I feel like it’s pretty futile to be a good teacher.
Most of my relationships are currently changing or ending, which makes me feel like everything is futile because I’ve put a lot of heart, time and thought into those relationships, but they still end. Also, there’s a person in my life right now who I’m pretty sure just genuinely dislikes me. I don’t dislike her, and never have, which vexes me.
One more thing – I genuinely don’t know how to think about several things in my life, the worst of which is a group of people that I disagree with. I feel a deep sense of “wrongness” at them even though they aren’t murdering or raping… But I feel an injustice and I don’t know how to think that they are completely wrong without also thinking they’re “bad”. I’ve been trying to force myself to be okay with the things they say and do… but I’m not, and it feels futile to think about it anymore because I’m never going to agree with them, and I’ve probably got a heart problem if I think they’re “bad”.
Futility is also probably why I haven’t been blogging. Right now, I just don’t see purpose in it.
I think my brand of depression might be like that part at the end of The Fifth Element where the girl freaks out and doesn’t want to save humanity and the world because of how horrible humans can be. Bruce Willis is all like, “There are some very good things about the world too, though – things that are worth saving.” She saves the world because there’s purpose to all of the bad crap… the bad crap sucks, but once she knows how good love is, she sees purpose in saving the world.
Where is my Bruce Willis when I get depressed?
I’ve known all through the being depressed that I’m thinking about this the wrong way, but I couldn’t make myself believe that anything I do matters… therefore, I didn’t do anything. I played video games where I got to rebuild Rome and save it from the greedy jerkwads who just want to get their hands on the supernaturally powerful artifacts. The frustrating thing, though, is that I know that Rome gets sacked and rebuilding it, even in a fictional world, is futile.
I’m not as depressed today, so maybe I’m finished for a few years, but I believe that being depressed every-so-often is normal and fine, and if the worst of my depression is a few weeks of saving Rome, it really isn’t that horrible.
On a different topic entirely, I ran a half marathon yesterday. I didn’t train myself very well (only got up to nine miles in training), so the problems my body is having with walking are to be expected. My time was a little slower than I’d like, but I’ve got PF Changs next month to redeem myself, and I’ll be better prepared. The soreness my muscles are feeling is kind of fun, by the way, because I’m walking a little like Hoggle from Labyrinth 🙂 If only David Bowie would come into my life and wear tights and glitter… that would pull me right out of my depression.