So… I’m back from tiny town NC, and I’m SO happy to be sitting in the Starbucks where they know my name (just like Cheers, right?) and to be writing again. Everything about being back warms my heart 🙂
In case you were wondering, I don’t have a well-written post for you, although I was planning to have one. I definitely drafted like 5 different posts, and then deleted them all before I even returned to Tucson.
Here are some of the things I was thinking about writing about:
1. Time – Every year, when I’m in North Carolina, I realize how differently time functions under different circumstances. Going to a tiny town slows time. Not working for a week slows time. Not having the internet slows time. Hanging out with an 80-yr-old slows time. Colder weather slows time… so, time was pretty slow while I was gone. It was one of those things I knew God was doing to me for my benefit, but it felt a little torturous. I had all sorts of things going on that I wanted to do something about, and totally couldn’t. Thanks, Abba. 🙂
Also on the topic of time, my Cousin Shane is currently struggling with lack of time. Cousin Shane is one of the best men I’ve ever known, and he’s considering stepping down from being the head pastor of his church. He’s not payed enough there to support his family solely on that salary, so he’s also the principal of the elementary school, which is one of the most time-consuming jobs out there. After hearing the way my grandmother and other cousin talked about Shane’s dilemma, I want to just give Shane a big hug and encourage him because I know his struggle comes from having an amazing heart. Most people never face the struggle he’s facing because they never decide to serve anyone… much less everyone. Most people don’t have to face the end of themselves because they never offer themselves, where I can’t is a completely true statement rather than an excuse. I know his heart of gold is heavier with the dilemma than it needs to be, and I’m sad that so many people are just sure they know what he should do and that he should do it immediately. It struck me that time is different to him than it is to other people… to him, it’s a limitation and it’s the means by which temporary lives come to matter.
2. Being Bamboozled – I think it’s been pretty evident on the blog, here, that I’ve been confused out of my mind with what God wants me to do. Pretty regularly, people point out how leader-like I am, and I don’t know what that means or what to do about it. Last week, Daddy Dave even said to me that I’m a leader even if I don’t want to be. Then, I started thinking about how much I don’t want to be. Which sucks. But then, I started thinking about the times before when I SO enjoyed leader stuff. Then, I started wondering what happened to change me so drastically over such a short period of time… and that’s where the being bamboozled comes in. I think I let some friends’ comments really get to me. Some girls in my life were telling me that I was doing more damage than good with all of the coffee meetings I was having. They were saying that I was misleading people into believing we were super-close and then hurting them with the reality that I’m only super-close with a few people who’ve been in my life for years. I know that at least one of the girls making that comment felt like I’d misled and hurt her by not being as close as she thought we were… knowing that, I should have been more cautious about letting her guide my thinking, but it was just one of those thoughts that eats at you whether you admit it or not. It’s probably the scariest thought ever that throwing all of your heart into anything (but especially ministry) does more harm than good. I already struggle with that vulnerability stuff, and meeting people for coffee was a huge drain on my schedule and energy, and the girls I was investing in frequently hurt me or did crazy things that blew my mind and stressed me out. Therefore, I was like, Fine. It’s easier on me to stop investing so much in others anyway… and if I’m doing more harm than good…
So, NOW, I think God is teaching me that caring is always the right thing. I feel like I’m always learning really obvious lessons that everyone else knows, but they’re really good lessons nonetheless. And I’m enthused to be getting back to caring again. 🙂
3. My Trip – Even though I go out of my mind with feeling judged and antsy when I’m in NC, I love it there. I was really sad that I had to tell my grandmother and a cousin or two that I have no intention of moving there. I love them bunches, but I’m happy where I’m at. Here, have some pics.
4. Church – I’m really jazzed, because my church just announced an event that’s right up my alley, and that was probably at least a little bit inspired by me. 🙂 We’re playing softball! It’s been years since I played, and I’m pretty jazzed to show my new friends all of my excellent skills. I know this doesn’t seem like a big enough topic for a whole post, but I was thinking about how important it is in a community that every person’s presence has an impact. The communities that I’ve loved the most were the ones that cared whether I came or not, and wanted to do things with me that I love doing… because that’s part of them loving me. I hope and pray I’ve been that in other people’s lives, and that my impact at Holy Cross will be greater than just one day of athletic fun. 🙂 I hope it’s a community God will use me in and will connect me to other people who are also having an impact there.
5. Book Reviews – I’ve been meaning to write some reviews for you for awhile, but I’ve been lazy. Maybe I’ll review V for Vendetta when I finish it. I think it’s going to become my favorite graphic novel of all time.
Okay, so I know there are other things I’ve been planning to post about, but I seem to have completely forgotten them. I hope all is well with you, and I thank you for bearing with me through what seems like a season of poorly-written posts. I’m sure I’ll eventually find my blogging rhythm again soon.