Seizing Testicles


I only slept 3 hours last night because the Gospel Marathon was a success (we finished two hours faster than the group did last year!) and I had to be somewhere at 8:00 this morning.

It didn’t make me nearly as cranky as you’d expect.

Where did I have to be – you ask?

About a year ago, my friend Maria and I started talking about taking a self-defense class together, so that’s where I was at 8:00 am.

Just so we start off on the right foot with this story, let’s establish a few things.

I’m not a moron and I don’t think I’m invincible.

I recognize that everyone is right in identifying my choices as risky, so don’t let’s write a million comments about how I should learn some healthy fear and quit going for jogs at night.

Please.

Because I’m going to keep doing it whether you comment or not.

I like going for jogs.

And I live in the frickin’ Tucson desert, which is a catch-22. I’ve had equally as many people caution me against dehydration and death as have cautioned me about rape. Whether I run at 10:30 pm or 12:00 noon, running is risky.

And a single girl should be able to jog if she wants to.

You know what else I like to do?

I like to buy Cocoa Puffs at 2:30 in the morning.

Alone.

Of course it’s safer to buy them twelve hours after that, but chances are I won’t want them anymore if I wait.

Also, I’m not convinced that the safer choice is always the better one.

So when Maria scolds me for jogging late at night…

I tell her that she’s right, but I’m going to keep doing it anyways.

I could probably be talked into buying pepper spray, and clearly I’ve been talked into taking a self-defense class – the first hour of which bothered me a lot.

We sat in a classroom and everyone told scary stories about rapists, muggers, and burglars. And we all were very serious. I think the stories were supposed to frighten me into making better choices.

They didn’t.

The stories were bad and upsetting, but they aren’t something I was unaware of before this morning. I think people assume that I couldn’t possibly understand the dangers that exist and still do the things I do.

They’re wrong.

I understand.

How about this? Think of it like with pie.

You know how pecan pie is pretty much the best thing God ever gave us? I definitely learned how to make homemade pecan pie because it is superior to all other desserts in the whole history of the world. Hot. With ice cream all melty over top of it.

It also has an impressive amount of unhealthy, but I still eat it, knowing full-well that it makes me fatter.

Jogging at night is the same thing.

It’s one of the best things God ever gave us.

There’s the moon. Tarantulas. Night air. I get to wear a headlamp. Relief from the summer heat. Alone. No pressure. Blow my nose on my shirt if I feel like it. Quiet. No one looking.

I love jogging at night.

Of course it puts me at risk for abduction.

I don’t care.

Just like you don’t care if that pie is going to make you fatter.

So reasoning with me just isn’t going to work; I understand your reasons.

So… I’m sort of in the class to appease everyone who hates the fact that I jog alone at night.

Like I said, I had slept 3 hours or so and was sitting in a very serious Sheriff’s Department room with a bunch of women who had just recounted the scariest moments in their lives.

That’s when it happened.

We were taking notes on the different maneuvers we were about to learn: things like “Sweep Kick”, “Defense Stance” and “Hammer Fist” (by the way, I totally feel like Hammer Fist is a super move from some epic video game… maybe like GAUNTLET).

I’d just finished writing “head butt” when they said it: “Seizing Testicles”.

Don’t pretend you wouldn’t giggle too.

There were 13-yr-olds in the room who were fine.

But the 26-yr-old who used to teach abstinence classes that required her to say the word “vagina” in front of kids… couldn’t hold it together.

Maria was completely focused on the word seizing because she couldn’t figure out how to spell it, but it took all that I had not to burst out laughing; after only 3 hours of sleep, there isn’t a whole lot that’s funnier than the thought of seizing testicles.

🙂

Seizing testicles.

I can’t believe I legitimately took notes on this stuff.

I can’t believe it’s a legit defensive technique.

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6 thoughts on “Seizing Testicles

  1. Well! I feel that I’ve learned a LOT about you in this post.

    1. You like disgusting pecan pie. (Pumpkin pie is far superior in almost every context)

    2. You work well under sleep deprived conditions.

    3. You totally think your invincible.

    4. You blow you nose on your own shirt when running late at night/early in morning. (Maybe that’s why you’ve never been abducted. They saw you doing that and said, “Nah.” That’s pretty smart now that I think about it.)

    5. You are an advocate of the “early Coco Puffs” movement. I support you.

    Carpe testiculis – now my new life motto!

    Wait…that sounds kind of…nevermind.

  2. hi katie,

    very good to meet you and your friends yesterday, and i’ve enjoyed reading a few of your posts (matt shared your link with me). when i was involved a number of years ago in an abuse prevention program, and helping someone else teach some basic self-defense, the technique was called “grab and twist,” kind of a “twist” on “seizing.” in any case, i think it’s probably pretty legit. hope you get caught up on sleep. blessings, pastor dave

  3. Pastor Dave! It was really good to meet you too. I just sent Matt an email telling him how much I loved the closeness of your church. It reminded me and my friends of the church in Acts. 🙂

    It’s really cool that you got to teach a self-defense class. 🙂 Your pun (“twist” on “seizing”) cracks me up.

  4. The “Seize Testicles” or “Grab, Twist and Pull (the testicles)” technique is regarded as the best unarmed self defense technique for women and girls. Just a few weeks ago a 24 year old woman from Zimbabwe named Grace Mutingwende used it against her 23 year old attacker. He was arrested on the same spot where he collapsed after having his testicles crushed!

    Just remember these points about the move:

    – DO NOT LET GO OF HIS TESTICLES!!! Instead, squeeze them as hard as you can until you either feel or hear a “pop” and/or your attacker slides unconscious to the ground in agony (usually in under 8 seconds after he freezes, curls up, and quickly loses all his strength due to the intense pain), leaving you free to run away to safety.

    – It’s easiest to do when the testicles are exposed. This is very likely to happen in a sex attack giving you a great opportunity to seize his testicles. Even if you can’t get to his testicles straight away this technique may become available to you at a later stage during the attack.

    – It’s just as effective a technique even if you only manage to lock your fingers around the top of one testicle rather than both. Locking your fingers around the top of either one or both prevents them from escaping your grip.

    – it doesn’t matter how big and strong an attacker is, his testicles will ALWAYS remain vulnerable to this self defense technique.

    The more women and girls learn techniques such as this one the more able we will be to fight back successfully. Never forget the words “Seize Testicles”!

  5. Pingback: To Me, Scott, and Making Both of Our Dreams Come True | Still Growing

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