I only slept 3 hours last night because the Gospel Marathon was a success (we finished two hours faster than the group did last year!) and I had to be somewhere at 8:00 this morning.
It didn’t make me nearly as cranky as you’d expect.
Where did I have to be – you ask?
About a year ago, my friend Maria and I started talking about taking a self-defense class together, so that’s where I was at 8:00 am.
Just so we start off on the right foot with this story, let’s establish a few things.
I’m not a moron and I don’t think I’m invincible.
I recognize that everyone is right in identifying my choices as risky, so don’t let’s write a million comments about how I should learn some healthy fear and quit going for jogs at night.
Because I’m going to keep doing it whether you comment or not.
I like going for jogs.
And I live in the frickin’ Tucson desert, which is a catch-22. I’ve had equally as many people caution me against dehydration and death as have cautioned me about rape. Whether I run at 10:30 pm or 12:00 noon, running is risky.
And a single girl should be able to jog if she wants to.
You know what else I like to do?
I like to buy Cocoa Puffs at 2:30 in the morning.
Of course it’s safer to buy them twelve hours after that, but chances are I won’t want them anymore if I wait.
Also, I’m not convinced that the safer choice is always the better one.
So when Maria scolds me for jogging late at night…
I tell her that she’s right, but I’m going to keep doing it anyways.
I could probably be talked into buying pepper spray, and clearly I’ve been talked into taking a self-defense class – the first hour of which bothered me a lot.
We sat in a classroom and everyone told scary stories about rapists, muggers, and burglars. And we all were very serious. I think the stories were supposed to frighten me into making better choices.
The stories were bad and upsetting, but they aren’t something I was unaware of before this morning. I think people assume that I couldn’t possibly understand the dangers that exist and still do the things I do.
How about this? Think of it like with pie.
You know how pecan pie is pretty much the best thing God ever gave us? I definitely learned how to make homemade pecan pie because it is superior to all other desserts in the whole history of the world. Hot. With ice cream all melty over top of it.
It also has an impressive amount of unhealthy, but I still eat it, knowing full-well that it makes me fatter.
Jogging at night is the same thing.
It’s one of the best things God ever gave us.
There’s the moon. Tarantulas. Night air. I get to wear a headlamp. Relief from the summer heat. Alone. No pressure. Blow my nose on my shirt if I feel like it. Quiet. No one looking.
I love jogging at night.
Of course it puts me at risk for abduction.
I don’t care.
Just like you don’t care if that pie is going to make you fatter.
So reasoning with me just isn’t going to work; I understand your reasons.
So… I’m sort of in the class to appease everyone who hates the fact that I jog alone at night.
Like I said, I had slept 3 hours or so and was sitting in a very serious Sheriff’s Department room with a bunch of women who had just recounted the scariest moments in their lives.
That’s when it happened.
We were taking notes on the different maneuvers we were about to learn: things like “Sweep Kick”, “Defense Stance” and “Hammer Fist” (by the way, I totally feel like Hammer Fist is a super move from some epic video game… maybe like GAUNTLET).
I’d just finished writing “head butt” when they said it: “Seizing Testicles”.
Don’t pretend you wouldn’t giggle too.
There were 13-yr-olds in the room who were fine.
But the 26-yr-old who used to teach abstinence classes that required her to say the word “vagina” in front of kids… couldn’t hold it together.
Maria was completely focused on the word seizing because she couldn’t figure out how to spell it, but it took all that I had not to burst out laughing; after only 3 hours of sleep, there isn’t a whole lot that’s funnier than the thought of seizing testicles.
I can’t believe I legitimately took notes on this stuff.
I can’t believe it’s a legit defensive technique.