I may completely lose my mind Jack Nicholson-in-The Shining-style.
All I can do is sit in front of a computer screen, writing and re-writing things that don’t make any sense.
and i’m frustrated about everything in life
it’s one of those times when stuff just sucks for no apparent reason
and it doesn’t at all suck in the way stuff sucked for me a few months ago when there were legit, life or death crises
it sucks more like how it sucks to go to panda express and be really excited about getting a panda bowl with steamed rice, veggies, mandarin chicken and a couple of spring rolls… YUM! BUT the veggies have clearly been sitting there for 3 hours and 26 minutes and are wilty gross dried frustration and the spring rolls are cold and flavorless and there’re no chopsticks to be found
eating chinese/asian food isn’t at all the same without chopsticks
and you can’t really complain, because you’ve got food that you didn’t have to cook that tastes decent and will be just fine for dinner
it just
isn’t
?
i don’t have a reason to think that things suck
they don’t
i just feel like they do
i don’t think i’ve ever experienced depression before, but maybe this is what it feels like
i’d really like to live alone for a week and lay on the couch watching THE FIFTH ELEMENT over and over again every night before losing my life to a video game i’ve beaten a bunch of times before
i don’t even feel like playing a new game
i want to eat three pints of vanilla frozen yogurt drenched in chocolate syrup
i want to eat mac n cheese and not do the dishes for two weeks
i want to hike into the middle of nowhere and camp alone for 8 days
i want to drive to phoenix then drive back 4 times without ever getting out of the car
i want to sleep on the floor in a jumble of blankets without a pillow
i apparently want to be a child who is out of school for the summer and home alone while her parents work
maybe tomorrow, i won’t take a shower
it’s a start, right
Leaving LanguishLand 
I think that’s exactly how I felt between freshman and sophomore year. I say, go ahead and eat mac and cheese and don’t do the dishes; sometimes we all need to sit around in our own filth and let ourselves go a little, developing a proverbial chrysalis. Even eventually we all right ourselves, reach out of our chrysalis and emerge as a new, more colourful butterfly!
Awwwwwe.
Being a butterfly makes me smile 🙂
katie, you have the ability to express yourself. i feel so envious you have the ability to write this cause i feel this way often, but you have the ability to write it down all honest-like and i’m just having massive breakdowns in front of ten people at church. sigh. you’re amazing. I agree with “Hannibal Zouk”: give in, eat your ice cream, play video games, and become a butterfly! i love you.
I’d like to have a massive, public breakdown just once. I know I’d regret it afterwards… but I still want to have one.