I’m not gonna lie – I feel way more excited about writing the manuscript this week than I do about blogging, so you might end up reading some unfortunate entries for the next few days. I am, however, more excited about this particular post than I am about any of the others for this week.
My plan for this week’s girly task was to buy a flower to take care of and brighten up the house with, but that got put on the back burner when a perfectly girly opportunity presented itself to me on Friday night. Introducing Baby Button a.k.a. Finn Daniel:
When I was in junior high school, I took a home economics class that was AMAZING. Mostly, we learned how to make pancakes from scratch and a few other food things… but for one week, we also did parenting stuff. Our school had a few Baby Think it Over dolls that we got a grade for parenting. These dolls weighed about what real babies weigh – some of them seven or eight pounds and others way more than that. Some of the dolls were boys & some were girls, and they cried if you didn’t “feed” or “change” them, and those sorts of neglects were recorded on the baby’s internal chip, which affected grades. It cried in the middle of the night, and I even had to rent a car seat for it. My baby was named Tyler Austin, and he had a little birth certificate and everything, and I loved that doll. I loved it so much, in fact, that I took a child development class in high school just to have another Baby Think It Over experience. I even took the thing over a long weekend so that I could get extra credit. Steve definitely poked my high school baby in the eye, which bothered me way more than it should have considering the thing was made out of rubber and whatnot. Still, it was awesome.
You’d think that my love for those dolls (and all of the dolls I constantly played with when I was little) would have translated into a love for real life babies, but real life babies have terrified me for a long time. Unfortunately, there haven’t been a whole lot of real-life babies in our family. There have been a few in North Carolina, but I pretty much only saw them two or three times before they were no longer babies. My sister had a baby, but for one reason or another, I didn’t spend much time with her during her baby years… which is why I’m SO excited for Baby Finn. Getting to hold a 7-day-old baby is sublime and joyous, and Daddy Danny and Mommy Lauren have been amazing at always extending their little family to include me. I even asked Danny if it made him nervous to have all of us holding his offspring (because I have ridiculous word choice sometimes), and his response was that he was fine with it since we’re family. 🙂
I definitely go through phases with the wanting a baby, then not wanting a baby, but after just a few moments of holding him, I can’t imagine not wanting my very own little Finn to nurture and protect. He is beautiful, and brings out the mommy parts of my personality that I’ve forcefully suppressed out of hurt and fear for the past decade or more.
I partly hate letting myself want to be a wife or a mommy because God doesn’t promise those things to any of us, and He certainly doesn’t promise them to me. I hate it when women think they aren’t really a person and can’t be happy until they start a family. I think I will be completely content and joyous in God if I remain single for the rest of my life… but part of the reason I am okay with singleness is that I never let myself hope too hard for marriage and motherhood. I want to protect myself and my relationship with God in the event that singleness is what He has for me, but I also want to prepare well for my husband and children if they rest just a few years down the road. It feelsl like preparing for singleness and preparing for wife-life and motherhood are in conflict. I’m sure that they aren’t, but how do I reconcile them in my head? Is there a way?