The Ones You Can Hardly Leave Behind

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Sometimes, life makes me feel like I’m not learning anything. I start seeing myself as stuck, stationary, and, consequentially, superfluous.

This summer has not been one of those times.

For a good, long while, I’ve contemplated need.

Need for people. Need for people to be other than what they are. I oftentimes struggle through relationships because I don’t understand need, because I do my best not to need. On the flip side of that, I struggle with other people needing me, because I don’t understand why they think they should expect anything of me when I expect nothing of them.

*Now, of course this is oversimplifying things. This is categorizing me a bit too strictly, because there are, and have always been times, when I’ve needed others. I just know that I could have done a lot more needing and being needed in the past, and plan to do more of both of those in the future.*

Two Christmases ago, I spent my first holiday without family. My parents and sister (along with her husband and kiddos) went to North Carolina, and I didn’t quite have the money or desire to leave the desert, so we did things separately.

That was pretty scary. I had made plans with some friends, but I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if I was allowed to hang out all day, or maybe it would just fill a couple of hours and I’d be alone to fill the silence after that. I didn’t know if I’d have fun and want to stay the whole time, or be counting down the minutes until I could leave.

It ended up being a wonderful Christmas.

Then last year, I figured I’d spend half of the holiday days with family and half with friends. But, when Thanksgiving rolled around, I found out that family holidays weren’t what I thought they’d be, and I couldn’t rely on them… so I spent my first Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve with friends, and my second Christmas Day with them – all wonderful.

So as the year rolls forward and the upcoming seasons include busy schedules, family move, birthday parties, and holiday fun, I’m beginning to see my friends as benefactors of an inheritance I don’t deserve. They’ve given me tradition, affection, stability, and they’ve claimed me.

I’m also realizing that I need those benefactors. I need their provision for all of those things and more, which is SOOOOO scary.

As I was floating along in the Caribbean this summer, I missed them so much more than I wanted to, and when they picked me up at the airport, I couldn’t have been more shocked with affection. My holiday benefactors plus that one person who created and is my current home, picked me up and immediately supplied friendship and fun. I was tired and land-sick (from standing on dry land after getting used to floating on water), and I’d spent the entire day traveling and thinking about my bed, but I didn’t care about any of that, because I needed them no matter how late I had to stay up, because being with the people you need is more fulfilling than even sleep .

Then, this weekend, a few of us went to Flagstaff, and as we enjoyed the best meal of my life, one of the greatest views in the world, and walking in the rain, we also talked about returning soon, because one of our number was absent, and we needed him to be there to make the trip whole.

Such thoughts are foreign to me, but I’ve seen slow changes of heart that make me think differently about next year and the year after that. Just like with the cruise, I can’t hardly imagine leaving these people behind, and I know I’ll spend my thoughts enjoying where I’m at, but feeling a little incomplete going it without my closest benefactors. Cambodia is suddenly much too far away to go to alone. And when I get married and make babies, I need the friends who’ve provided for me as only family does.

Although every fear and practicality in me believes that these current thoughts and desires, my benefactors, and every good thing in life are only temporary, I’m starting to want and hope they’ll be forever.

I’m starting to think about putting down some roots and moving in across the street so our kids can ride bikes together. I know a heart doesn’t fully change overnight, and the thoughts I’m having are only inklings of possibility, but it’s nice to see myself growing up more than I ever expected to. It’s nice to begin to believe in the impossible.

 

Holding Hands in the Wreckage

* It’s my last week of a blogging break, so next week, I’ll have several posts, recently written. Until then, here’s a post that originally went up Nov. 24, 2010. Enjoy.

I’ve been thinking about endings a lot lately.  I’ve been thinking about the ending to my manuscript, the end of Harry Potter’s story, and the endings in my own life (most of which aren’t even visible on the horizon because I’m younger than I think I am).  I’ve had a bunch of conversations recently - with some people who are idealistic and others who are disillusioned - and in these conversations, I bounce back and forth between fluffy optimism and tortured cynicism.  I’m the devil’s advocate.  If the person I’m talking to is being all double rainbow all the way across the sky, I’m snow melted inside your boots and all over your favorite socks.  If I’m talking to someone who can’t conceive a world in which Bambi’s mom lives, I’m world peace (and harsher punishments for parole violators)… not because I’m trying to disagree with everyone, but because life, I think, is the impossible melding of hope and realism.

Earlier this week, I was reading the Invincible Summer blog by Hannah Moskowitz, and she wrote something that really hit on this balance and on what readers and humanity desire out of stories and life.

“No evil winning. Your characters don’t have to be making out in the sunset, but they have to at least be holding hands in the wreckage.”

When I come to the end of a journey in life or a story, I want a hopeful ending.  I don’t need it to be all warm & fuzzy and perfect.  I don’t need Harry to come out of it unscathed, nor would I suspend my disbelief if Rowling had written it that way.  The truth is that life is hard.  The world is a messed-up place where people die, hearts are broken, and tears are frequently justified.  However, I also can’t stomach hopelessness.  Voldemort can’t win.

In life and in stories, I have to hope towards the future.  I have to hope that good things happen when we don’t deserve them and that there’s a good God spreading out breath-taking goodness for us because He is good.  I have to believe for my characters and for myself.  I look forward to holding hands in the wreckage, and I pray that all of my readers can trust in a God who makes that happen for us.

 

Katie James’s Day Off!

Hello, Dear Readers!

Good day to you!

You know why it’s a good day? I definitely took it off of work!

Ha

Ha

HA!

That’s right. My students spent the day reading silently with a person they’ve probably never met. I spent it sleeping in, going for a drive, talking to Jesus in the wilderness, visiting a long, lost friend, watching Troy, eating chocolate, going for a run, and reading feedback on the first ten chapters of my manuscript!

At around eight-thirty, I got out of bed and made a lovely breakfast burrito, following it up with some left-over cake that Shasta bought to hostess our Valentine’s day event last night. We definitely had a few girls over and watched the third installment of the Stupid Sparkly-Vampires series, hating Bella for being such a dumb girl, hating Jacob and Edward for being so pathetic, and providing way better commentary than Riff Tracks could ever provide.

After my cake this morning, I got in the car and drove my V-dub out into the desert on windy roads. I thought about how crazy it is that it snowed for about 18 minutes during lunch yesterday, but the desert was already sunny and beautiful again. I contemplated the way the desert makes us redefine what is beautiful.

Then, I talked out-loud to Jesus in the wilderness. Luckily, I picked a good spot where I could see the six or seven people who also thought today was a lovely day for a hike, so none of them caught me in the act. I prayed thanks for all of the things that God is blessing me with right now… a peaceful home, possibilities of career things for next year, decent students, REALLY GREAT FRIENDS, a renewed spirit, rest… I asked Him to give me direction for the future, because I’m sailing without a map right now. And I asked Him what to do about Bible study, because it’s just not working out right now. I asked Him for romance, because yesterday was Valentine’s day, and I’m doing my best to believe and hope He’ll give me another shot or two and soon. The cool thing about being a high school teacher on Valentine’s day, is seeing how much hope teenagers hold. I got to see a grand gesture or two, a lot of heart-shaped balloons, and the choir kids singing love songs for $1. A student even enlisted them to sing “You’ve Got a Friend in Me’ to me.

They made me wear a pink boa.

After my time in the wilderness, I dropped by my friend Lauren’s house, and it was lovely to be spontaneous with such a splendid friend. I’ve got a three-mile run in about an hour.

And today is the type when I have to reclaim my idealism and hope for the best. I hope you’ll banish the cynic in your heart today, as well, and take a moment to believe in the grand gesture, just like my students do.

And if all else fails, I’ve been listening to Tim McGraw’s version of the song “Tiny Dancer”, which is bound to bring a smile to anyone’s heart.

Much love,

Katie