The Right Way to Change (in Literature and in Life)

Pots – Water Pots (Photo credit: NisargPhotography)

As a writer, I struggle to create the pieces of a story that can’t be revealed through dialogue and plot. Part of the reason I struggle with this in writing is because I struggle with it in life. In everyday interactions, I rely almost entirely on what people tell me and what happens. Partly, I’m this way because as a teenager, I decided that it’s incredibly unfair to hypothesize or make assumptions about another person, and thus made it my mission to maintain a perception that matched up as completely as possible to the observable, real-world person in front of me as I could. However well-intentioned I may have been in trying to avoid unfair judgment of another person, though, I inadvertently led myself away from looking beneath the surface, which is quite the tragedy, because most of who we are is beneath the surface. For example, a character or person’s shifts of identity and heart might slowly manifest themselves in his or her behavior and speech, but the change occurs long before it becomes observable.

But how do I write that?

Also, how do people actually change?

Several years ago, there was someone who started attending my church, and almost immediately set out to change some of our stances on issues and certain doctrines we held to. When Dave (Pastor) and I were talking about the situation, I was overwhelmingly sympathetic to the new person. I expressed my beliefs that she wasn’t ill-intentioned and that she needed grace, as well as my broken-heartedness for her; I viewed the church’s response to her as a little mean.

Then Dave said something. He said that God is the one who changes us; she doesn’t get to direct that change.

As a writer, I’m ridiculously well-planned. I don’t like starting without an outline for each and every chapter, along with any number of other “plotter” tactics in place. I write character sketches; I create soundtracks for each scene; I draw maps, and I even create Sims characters or draw really bad sketches to ensure that nothing is left to chance… I have to know everything about every aspect of the story before I write. Then, I force my characters to do what I want them to do, and get frustrated when the plan has to change. And, instead of changing the plan, I just throw all of my work out and start all over at the beginning.

But what if there’s something to just sitting down and writing. I don’t subscribe to all the hippie, “pantser” mumbo-jumbo about letting the characters show me the story, but I also probably shouldn’t outline myself into a corner, eh?

In life, I’ve been trying pretty hard for the past couple of years to just see what happens. I usually stick myself into certain, highly-arbitrary routines, and force myself to keep them, but it seemed like God was ruining all of my routines for awhile there, so I thought that might have been His way of telling me to knock it off.

So I stopped.

I stopped planning every moment of every day; I stopped keeping routines that I didn’t feel like keeping; I stopped attending events that I didn’t have a good reason for attending… I just stopped.

And it’s really difficult to just exist and wait, but that’s what I’ve been doing. I know it probably doesn’t seem like that from the outside, because what others see is that I bought a house, signed up to go to Asia next year, shifted my teaching focus from ELLs to gen. ed., etc…. But, believe it or not, I haven’t been trying to do anything at all. I’ve just let things come my way. or not. and I’ve been patient.

Because changes happen mysteriously and invisibly, and it’s not for me to direct them.

Going off of what’s observable, it seems as if I’m changing in a few specific ways… but those changes are imaginary. Instead, God is changing me how He wills, in ways that haven’t yet manifested  themselves in words or actions.

Still, in the two years that I’ve been trying to be patient and malleable, a few people have said and done things that seem an awful lot like creating a Sim character of me and then trying to make me into that character.

And each time, I’ve felt myself struggling that same internal conflict that came with the new girl who wanted to change a church’s doctrines: Am I being mean by ignoring other people’s aims for me? Sometimes it feels mean, because I know what it feels like to look at another and think I know what he should do and be. I know what it feels like to believe I see his primary flaw and the one change that he should make in his life because it would fix everything.

And that’s why I’m still writing Weston’s story – because I’ve fixed him rather than letting him change slowly, invisibly, in a way that I can’t contrive.

So, while I know (all-too-well) the urge to just fix the problem, I’m trying to do a better job of reserving myself for the changes God has in mind for me (and for Weston too). It’s entirely possible that the flaws people see in me and the ones I see in Weston are terrible and need fixing… but those flaws aren’t for human hands to reshape, because only God’s hands are strong enough to change earthen vessels.

 

Sadly, Jesus isn’t ALWAYS the Correct Answer…

Jesus Walks on the Sea (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This year at work, I’ve had an odd influx of students completing book projects about the Bible. I think they’re under the impression that going to church every Sunday earns them ‘A’s on anything church-related. However, very few of them actually follow through and READ the Bible before turning their projects in.

Student: “Is it alright if I do this quarter’s book project on the Bible?”

Ms. James: “Absolutely. However, you probably want to narrow it down a bit because the Bible is a pretty long book. You should pick a few books out of the Bible and just focus on those. Which books do you most want to read?”

Student: “I don’t know - probably the psalms and maybe Acts.”

Ms. James: “Okay, well you need to make sure you still read the same number of pages as the rest of your peers, and you need to actually read it, because I’m shockingly familiar with the Bible and WILL notice if you don’t read.”

Student: “My dad’s a pastor… I think I got this.” (Oh, the hubris of that little snot!)

Eight weeks later, student turns in his project. Let’s say the assignment is to create a new and original book jacket for the book and write a page explaining how that jacket represents the story and its theme. Student turns in a neon pink sheet of paper with a Google image of Jesus walking on water. Then, he writes:  ”The theme of the Bible is that anything can overcome a greater force by what they believe in.” The student goes on to write that “Jesus looks at you with his deep eyes saying that he believes in you.”

While that’s very touching, and works well with the younger kids in VBS, I have to give this project a zero. And I feel pretty bad about it, but, come on, kid. You said you were reading the psalms and Acts… Jesus doesn’t walk on water in either of those books. In fact, Jesus doesn’t really show up in the flesh in either of those books. Additionally, the theme you’ve written is in complete opposition to what Jesus actually says… He says that HE is the force that overcomes, right?

So… sometimes we churchgoers like to make fun of ourselves, because anytime a leader or pastor asks us something and we aren’t sure about the answer, we tentatively say, “Jesus???” with a coy grin, which is essentially what these kids are turning in for their book projects… but, sadly, Jesus isn’t always the right answer. Sometimes, it’s important to actually read the Bible, comprehend it, and remember.

 

The Set Up

A couple of years ago, someone very dear to me accusingly pointed out that I have a tendency toward closer friendships with pastors than most people have.

And sure, he was sort of  right.

At my first church, my pastor got me a job working for him. He was a radiologist who read the nighttime E.R. images for most of Tucson. He worked out of his house, and he needed a reading room assistant to deal with faxes and phone calls. It was a sweet gig, because E.R.s aren’t always busy at night, so there were nights when I didn’t do much of anything. I’d read or nap, and there were quite a few times when Mr. Bossman Radiologist would come and talk with me while we waited for work to come in.

Then, there was my second pastor, who I’ve written about quite a lot because he has become a dad to me.

Then, there was my third pastor who became one of my closest friends.

So… now that I’ve moved on to a newer church, I find myself hesitating. With Pastor Pete, he’s got quite a lot going on with a newish church plant that’s growing, so I’ve been able to fade into the background pretty well. However, we’ve now got an interning pastor who is also my Bible study leader, and he’s taking a special interest in me that I’m irrationally fighting.

And yes – it’s stupid. My friend should not have so carelessly passed judgment. Without thinking much about it, he implied an impropriety that didn’t exist, a warped ambition in my heart, and any number of other unfounded and hurtful judgments. I believe that if he knew how much his comment tortured me, he would rescind it immediately and tell me that each of the relationships I’ve had with a pastor was a gift from God. But a broken heart isn’t easily mended, and discovering his true opinion of me certainly broke my heart.

And yet, broken heart or no, Andy, my interning pastor has been kind and generous with me, in using me as an example when advising others, in pushing my name forward as someone who might be perfect for this or that, and now, by going out on a limb to set me up with one of his friends. So it seems that regardless of my attempts at anonymity with church leadership, Andy and I will be friends, unless…

Well, the blind date set up thing is one of the more awkward obstacles that can happen to any friendship, because there are terrible pitfalls that could lead to any number of bitter regrets by everyone or anyone involved. What if it doesn’t work out? What if it does? What if I have to stop going to the only Bible study my church offers that I really like? What if it gets awkward and ruins my friendship with Andy’s wife? What if… what if… what IF…?

So there we are, at church, and Andy walks up to me and offers an exaggeratedly tentative, “Hiiiiiiiii.”

“You’re going to ask me to do something,” I say.

And he launches in to a highly prepared speech about someone named Ethan (I think that’s his name). Andy has mentioned Ethan to me a few times before, because when Andy and I met, he immediately identified me as a good match for Ethan. He goes to ComiCon and is a delightful, God-fearing nerd… as am I, evidently.

So… in spite of my awkward prediction that the set up would ruin all friendships involved, Andy will be giving Ethan my number, so wish me good luck with Ethan and Andy. I pray that I will be a blessing to both regardless of what the future holds.

And Question: How close should the shepherd/sheep relationship really be? I tend to believe that pastors should have personal relationships with everyone they lead, but then there’s the whole mega-church thing that makes pastors into inaccessible celebrities, and I don’t believe there’s anything inherently wrong with that. Thoughts?

 

God’s Will???

Andy Pelander on a decision that faced him in the past:

“I mean, what was He doing giving me two viable options? … How was I supposed to choose? What was the right decision? I mean, was He testing me? Was He just messing with my mind?”

A friend told him:

“God has presented you with two different adventures, okay. He has given you two adventures. So… don’t make a decision based on fear….”

Andy’s thoughts later:

“This was a good friend because she helped me realize something about God’s will: that He is far less concerned with what we do than with who we are becoming.”

 

Introducing Null

Howdy, Readers!

My friend Hank recently started up a blog, and I thought his first post might interest some of you. The post is titled “Uncomfortable Atheists”, and is a response to recent research revealing that atheists, as well as Christians, feel uncomfortable when asked to pray for unfortunate events in others’ lives.

Here’s the link to Hank’s blog, and I’ve also added it to my list of links on the sidebar in that ——> direction.

Enjoy.