~Jonathan Edwards

On the other hand, it’s also beautiful to be caught in the mystery that always exists between two people – the sanctity of our own minds and the mystery of what anyone does when he’s alone with no one to answer to but himself and God.

That mystery is SO important and I sometimes wonder why so many of us gladly give it away, without so much as a wave goodbye… sometimes without even noticing.

I unintentionally gave away that mystery away for a year or so.

And I hated it.

Have you ever known everything about a social outing you didn’t even attend? I have.

I remember a conversation I had, in which a friend was trying to explain why he’d made certain decisions… I was frustrated and tired of the conversation before it even got going because I already knew what he was doing and why since something like five other people had already told me exactly what he was telling me, and I was going insane with knowing more than I wanted to.

“I know,” I said. “I don’t need you to tell me, because I know when you made the decision and why. I know where you sat, who you talked to and for how long. I know what you talked about. I know why you’re doing what you’re doing.”

I don’t know why I said that. It was arrogant and rude; I probably should have just listened, but at some point, I stopped wanting to know every detail of every dinner. I didn’t want to hear my friend’s POV about his own life, because I’d heard four or five other POVs and nothing that happened at that dinner interested  me anymore; none of it was mysterious and none of the people who attended were mysterious.

On the flip side of things, I’m sure that every one of my friends heard four or five POVs of every dinner I was at – knew who I sat next to, what I talked about and what sort of food I ate, which pisses me off a little.

The James Dean rebel in me can’t stand people thinking they know me, so whenever anyone acted like they had me figured out, I’d pull back, do something unpredictable, try to escape.

I need my mystery; I may want everyone to know who and what I am in the general sense, but the details are mine to reveal or not at my discretion. Know that I’m a thinker, but my thoughts are my own.

I need for everyone to know that there’s more to me than the categories I fall into, hobbies I take up, dinners I attend, classes I’m taking, books I’ve written. It’s a rare person who can identify even half of the things I do, and even rarer for someone not to get lost in the contradictions and depth… not because I’m oh-so-much-more-complex-than-everyone else. I’m not.

It’s because we’re all too complex and too mysterious.

And why shouldn’t we be? We’re images of a mysterious God, so shouldn’t we respect the mystery? Shouldn’t we admit we don’t have anyone completely figured out because only God numbers the hairs of our heads?

There’s a humility in letting others remain mysterious. There’s wisdom and joy in admitting how little we really know.

It might make us feel informed (or even a bit omniscient) to know who sat next to whom, who flirted, who cried, who was laughing too loudly or couldn’t seem to decide who to talk to… but the true moments of connection come from a mysterious person choosing vulnerability when she could hide who she really is.

Because just as we can only know what the Father chooses to reveal of Himself, we can only truly know of others what they choose to reveal. The rest is speculation from the darkness. It’s believing we’re closer to omniscience than we are.

I think maybe that’s why it felt like I’d downed a shot of adrenaline when my principal called my classroom and asked me to come see him in his office during my planning period.

Deep down, I know that I’m the model employee. I do everything they ever ask me to do. I complain less than any other teacher in the world. I have had fewer parent problems that require administrator intervention than the three and a half years I’ve been a teacher. I attend all meetings and get along with everyone.

I don’t know why I panicked when the Boss told me he wanted to talk to me.

There wasn’t a single reason I should think he’d be mad at me – like he really has the time and inclination monitor whether I grade papers or move furniture…

Whatever.

Regardless of all logic, I freaked out and convinced myself I’d be losing my job – after all, I’ve lost my job three times now and have only been called in to see the principal those three times.

I totally didn’t lose my job.

My principal called me down to offer me three weeks of extra pay to cover an extra class.

I accepted.

What is it about principals that makes them so intimidating?

I must be thinking too much of Mr. Belding, right?

Good day to you!

You know why it’s a good day? I definitely took it off of work!

Ha

Ha

HA!

That’s right. My students spent the day reading silently with a person they’ve probably never met. I spent it sleeping in, going for a drive, talking to Jesus in the wilderness, visiting a long, lost friend, watching Troy, eating chocolate, going for a run, and reading feedback on the first ten chapters of my manuscript!

At around eight-thirty, I got out of bed and made a lovely breakfast burrito, following it up with some left-over cake that Shasta bought to hostess our Valentine’s day event last night. We definitely had a few girls over and watched the third installment of the Stupid Sparkly-Vampires series, hating Bella for being such a dumb girl, hating Jacob and Edward for being so pathetic, and providing way better commentary than Riff Tracks could ever provide.

After my cake this morning, I got in the car and drove my V-dub out into the desert on windy roads. I thought about how crazy it is that it snowed for about 18 minutes during lunch yesterday, but the desert was already sunny and beautiful again. I contemplated the way the desert makes us redefine what is beautiful.

Then, I talked out-loud to Jesus in the wilderness. Luckily, I picked a good spot where I could see the six or seven people who also thought today was a lovely day for a hike, so none of them caught me in the act. I prayed thanks for all of the things that God is blessing me with right now… a peaceful home, possibilities of career things for next year, decent students, REALLY GREAT FRIENDS, a renewed spirit, rest… I asked Him to give me direction for the future, because I’m sailing without a map right now. And I asked Him what to do about Bible study, because it’s just not working out right now. I asked Him for romance, because yesterday was Valentine’s day, and I’m doing my best to believe and hope He’ll give me another shot or two and soon. The cool thing about being a high school teacher on Valentine’s day, is seeing how much hope teenagers hold. I got to see a grand gesture or two, a lot of heart-shaped balloons, and the choir kids singing love songs for $1. A student even enlisted them to sing “You’ve Got a Friend in Me’ to me.

They made me wear a pink boa.

After my time in the wilderness, I dropped by my friend Lauren’s house, and it was lovely to be spontaneous with such a splendid friend. I’ve got a three-mile run in about an hour.

And today is the type when I have to reclaim my idealism and hope for the best. I hope you’ll banish the cynic in your heart today, as well, and take a moment to believe in the grand gesture, just like my students do.

And if all else fails, I’ve been listening to Tim McGraw’s version of the song “Tiny Dancer”, which is bound to bring a smile to anyone’s heart.

Much love,

Katie