God has been doing CRAZY MAGNIFICENT things in my life lately. Oh My Goodness. I’m completely caught off guard by everything about Him. Just a little while ago, I was at Starbucks not writing because I was spending more time than usual with God. I’d journaled and read a little out of 2Kings, and I decided to clean out my Bible and get myself organized. I’m in the habit of writing down every thought I ever have about God on a note card, and throwing them haphazardly into my Bible… never to be seen again. Okay, that’s not true. About once every 6 months, I read them and organize, and throw the keepers back in there just as aimlessly as the first time, and throw the rest away. I found some note cards in there from way back in 2006.
Here’s a picture of all the keepers that I’d normally throw back in there, but made it my mission to do something with this time:
I started reading through all of the lovely notes and worksheets (thanks Pastor Mike), and I came across this WS called rebuilding the wall: over the next six months. I don’t know exactly the timeframe on this worksheet, but I suspect it was something my church went through when we were doing house church and trying to figure out if we ought to remain the church we’ve been, or sort of join on to an already-existing church as a Bible Study. I think it’s been about a year since we did this particular WS, which was hidden behind this lovely drawing I did of the ladies from church when we all went to Macaroni Grill :
Here’s what the worksheet said and what I ended up writing. I will even incorrectly punctuate things for you as I did when I first filled it out.
PERSONAL
What do you want God to teach you?
joy that overflows and is uncontainable – I want other people to see all of the things that are secret and precious in my heart…& I want to willingly show them in a way that benefits them… and I want to show everyone & be content w/ nothing less. I want God to teach me to take risks for Him, & to teach me to view them as something other than risk. I want to view silence as the risk!
What areas of your life need rebuilding?
right now, there are very few areas of faith that I can truly say were ever built. Love, joy, peace, etc… have been deficient. I need rebuilding from the damage with Jason (my dirtbag) & God has done much already to rebuild, but the work is not complete.
THE CROSSING
What vision do you have for the church?
I’d like for the church to embrace the gospel as “good news”. Witnessing & evangelism seem to have become catch phrases. They’ve lost meaning.
In what areas does the Crossing need rebuilding?
New people – caring more for others than self. Placing the needs of others before our own comfort. Service!
*On the back of my paper, this is what I wrote:
Remember that the gospel is by definition
Good News!
Why on Earth would you hesitate to share good news.
Don’t hesitate!
I can’t even describe how it feels to read this and know that God shaped me in exactly the ways that I wanted Him to. I wasn’t looking for this worksheet when I started cleaning out my bible tonight, but I’m SO glad I found it.
I wrote that I wanted joy. Well… for the past few weeks during Bible Study, I haven’t known why I’m so joyous, but my prayer request has been for continued jubilance. I AM JOYOUS. Nothing has really changed all that much in life. But I AM JOYOUS.
I wrote that I wanted to share those secret and precious parts of who I am, and just yesterday, I had a talk with Mike and Clam in which I shared one of the most dysfunctional things I think I’ve ever even thought about in my relationship with God. I talked to them about fears that God will abandon me, hurts from earlier in life, and how I’m thinking about sin. This is but a moment out of a bold new vulnerability in my life that is evident all over the place lately. I’m still ridiculously uncomfortable letting other people have those secret bits of me, but God has led me exactly where I asked Him to, and He did it so seamlessly that I didn’t even know it was happening.
I wanted God to rebuild/restore damage done by dirtbag… and He has. In mysterious ways, God has worked through roommate Amy and some sermons by Pastor Mike to show me that I’m not only forgiven… I’m cleaned. I don’t have to hate myself for foolishness from more than half a decade ago. I don’t have to be angry and defensive with every man I meet because my dirtbag hurt me. And I’m allowed to be hurt.
I wanted the Crossing to embrace the “good news,” and while I have more trouble understanding God’s work in the whole church (impossible to account for everyone else), I know that I’m viewing the gospel differently. I’m a thousand times more willing to say that Jesus rescued me. I’m willing to say that God is good. I want other people to experience God. There are new people at the Crossing, and I’ve had service opportunities all over the place with refugees, coffee meetings, and all sorts of other things.
I’m absolutely shamed for so often believing that God isn’t doing things with me. I’m shamed that I don’t trust Him and that I don’t hope towards Him. He’s been too much in my life to even comprehend.
Leaving LanguishLand 